The Don Juans of Goa's Assembly

I’m in the mood for a movie script. A `Sholay’ style re-run. Two strapping men. One brooding, one driver slapping kind. We’ll live their respective lasses to count their money, but, boy! do these new boys give us comic respite.

I’ll imagine Parrikar as Gabbar Singh, though, frankly, he’s much less threatening these days. So, while he retires to his den to monitor the activities of his elected crooks amidst secret video cameras and telephone taping devices, I’m gonna begin with our Benaulim da munda‘s first day out in the Assembly. But first, the bus chase – no movie can jingle its money at the box-office without a man in hot pursuit of his karma (woman or money, as taste demands). And since I must stick to Bollywood masala to pull this through, we make our munda meet his karmic encounter on a potholed, accident prone highway, chasing, as he were, the garbage of scrap metal running on wheels – the KTC buses, what else? Hot blooded brawn, fists aching to connect with bone (something tells me he must be a fan of `The Rock’) belted behind a seductive, black Lancer, the world is his `design’ board (I really want to know what he designs, by the way), the bombed roads of NH 17 his ramp. Until, ugliness shows up like a bad garment finish, in the guise of two speeding metal monstrosities. I agree completely with the general public that the KTC has to be rapped proper for risking our lives. I’ve travelled for two years in these death traps and survived to write this story.

Anyway, now a Lancer likes no competition. Not from a lowly KTC atleast. The chase begins (please, please, let me get graphic here). Our agitated hero snaps a synapse. He’s acting as a minister you see, and in typical celebrity style, he’s running late for the assembly. MRF rubber meets gravel, metal screeches, but the government run eyesores just won’t disappear off the roads. Worse, they’re giving him, a minister that too, a good run for his petrol. Now in the US, radars immediately pick up a speeding car. In Goa, it will take a hundred light years to get that avant-garde. But the thrill of the chase must be had. Look at Schumacher, the guy’s hooked to speed. Likewise our hero in minister’s disguise, whose very authority is now being mocked by a very cheeky bus driver. Let me add, at this point there was meant to be no villain here, but looks like this guy desperately needed a dose of the arclights. After much overspeeding – not to forget risking the lives of the poor passengers – the brash villain finds his karmic equal in a tight slap. Ouch! Muscle connects to smug cheek and please, people, this calls for a standing ovation (incidentally, this scene was not written into the climax, but what a twist of story). Moral of the movie? In the history of the KTC, a minister had dared to slap a wage-earning driver, pushing the speed envelope at the risk of endangering the lives of his living, breathing load. This is Robin Hood bravado, mate (just like his role model, no?). But hell, if he wants to spoof on his political godfather for the `title’, who am I to complain?

Scene Two: Brooding hero? Hrithik catapulted to fame because of his light eyes. But let’s not draw comparisons, folks. I’ve been warned by a friend not to get too harsh on this one, because of his poor sense of humour. But a brooding, angry young man is so hard to resist, si? Even Parrikar did the unthinkable and forgave him his past trespasses. So, to be absolutely fair, I’m gonna take him straight into the plush confines of a CNN newsroom and grill him, live. If he squirms in his seat, well, that’s what he’s supposed to do – squirm. Who said being a public figure is easy?

CNN gelled geek: Welcome to our show and what are the impressions of your career’s first Monsoon Assembly?

Straightening his slick Abu Jani bandhgala: "So far so good. I’ve been told there’s a nice restaurant under the Mandovi bridge where I must lunch. It’s too far to go home."

What are your constituency’s immediate needs?

"Everybody is happy. I distributed computers, mobile phones, stacks of cash among the electorate. If they want a couple of STD booths, I can do that for them too."

What are your political priorities right now?

"To keep myself happy. A happy minister is a happy constituency. I’ve hired an ex-media PR to draw a list of people who need to be kept happy. The rest can be given electricity connections, road access etc. And, yes, a list of all tenants in the area, so that they don’t get too smart and pay up their money in time. This PR is doing a great job…."

Meantime, gelled geek is baffled as computer screen flashes the latest TRP readings – they’ve nose-dived with the ongoing interview. Editor frantically gesticulates to axe the live recording ….light-eyed bod oblivious to the confusion goes on…``and maybe a five star could do well in those barren fields, a state-of-the-art pub, locally trained bouncers……" the TV screen blanks out to be hurriedly replaced with a brooding picture of Osama bin Laden. Oh, how I love the movies!

Ethel Da Costa
October  2, 2002

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