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- Gaspar Almeida
I suppose the point about apologies is not the word sorry or the sentence: "I hope I haven't offended you". That’s only the form or format. The content has to do with the emotion of making-up.
Without that an apology is a mechanical exercise and not
a heartfelt response. In that sense it’s a bit like Thank You.
Thanks has become a phrase we frequently but
meaninglessly mouth without actually feeling anything.
Convention and etiquette determine its usage rather
than actual sentiment.
In fact, a strange law governs our apologies and Thank
Yous towards Indians from the State of Goa. We are
always prompt to thank for the big presents or large
acts of help. But the little kindnesses, the small,
telling, thoughtful gestures, usually pass without
recognition. The opposite is true of our apologies.
For the small silly incidents that happen accidentally
we are quick to say sorry. But where hurt is actually
caused or offence given an apology is rarely
forthcoming.
Often we say sorry or thanks without thinking. It’s
the unavoidable that prompts our thanks just as it is
the insignificant that elicits our apology. But where
either would really count our silence can be damning.
Why?
My answer may be idiosyncratic but I believe I am not
wrong. The ‘big’ sorry is an attempt at contrition, at
making-up and that’s not easy. One can’t fake it.
Similarly the ‘small’ thank you – for a little gesture
or a passing kindness – requires sensitivity,
awareness, reciprocal thoughtfulness. That too is not
easy. Not because we don’t feel them but because we
don’t know how to handle such emotions. We shy away
rather than acknowledge and embrace them.
In reverse, the ‘big’ thank you is unavoidable. Think
about it. Is it possible you might not say thanks for
a present or a promotion or a party? Equally the
‘small’ sorry is cost free. When you really aren’t to
blame – and the other fellow knows that too – saying
sorry is both easy and meaningless. That’s why both
phrases trip off the tongue so lightly when they mean
so little. But when they would count there’s usually
silence.
Of course, we all can’t go around giving people 'such
kaddio-boddios' and there will be many occasions when
shyness or social ineptness will prevent a proper
thank you. But my point is different. We can try. It
won’t be easy and often you will simply forget. But
when you remember – and overcome your initial
hesitation – you will feel good for it.
Saying sorry (and meaning it) can be cathartic. Saying
thank you, particularly when it wasn’t expected, can
make you feel better.
Gaspar Almeida, Jul 24, 2000